I am guilty of not thinking of heaven enough or all the ways in which heaven touches earth.
I think I haven’t truly grasped what it means to belong. To belong to God to be truly His own. To have an inheritance in heaven. To have angel armies that surround me and protect me from the forces of evil. With this in mind I want to be braver. To worry less about the future. To worry less about who I am and what I’ll do. To worry less about this temporary world and remember how loved I am by all of heaven.
So lately for the first time in my life I have no idea what decision is the right decision to make. There are so many variables pulling on me, each side in equal measure and each time I settle on a decision it feels like the wrong one. I’m robbed of my usual peace and that in itself is both annoying and scary because I still have to make a decision. I’m sort of a unique individual in that I rarely walk on the typical path. In the past my faith has gotten me through this but now that I’m older I’m wondering if that same faith will still work or if I’m a fool for believing.
I think the real problem I have is that I’m too proud and overly concerned with the opinions of others. Where has my humility gone? With humility that faith that seems foolish to others becomes the greatest joy.
I live near Pittsburgh a city known for potholes, food, artistic bridges, and lots and lots of rivers. Right now I’m temping downtown and have the luxury of walking along one of these beautiful rivers during my breaks. It’s absolutely gorgeous but I noticed something funny. When I’m worrying about something or trying to figure something out I look down towards the sidewalk and focus only on the path. I found that I actually had to remind myself to look at the river, to take in the beautiful view of the city, to watch the geese and their babies waddle across the way.
I found myself wishing it wasn’t so easy to have that tunnel vision, eyes on the path and not on God or the wider world He made me a part of. It even made me a little sad as I realized how much beauty, how much life from animals to my fellow walkers that I had been missing out on by being so focused on myself. It’s easy to do that in times of uncertainty, times of sorrow and I think if I were to share with you some of my struggles you might forgive me but I couldn’t justify it to myself today when I remembered my call as a Christian, a call to love, a call to trust but most especially a call to let God love me as He desires to even when tomorrow is uncertain, even when I deserve it the least because it’s during those times that He gives me the most even when I don’t see it, feel it or understand it. And I found myself promising to be more patient with God, to try and surrender enough to truly let Him finish this beautiful work He began in me and above all trusting that everything will be alright because one day I’ll see the face of God in Heaven.