So lately for the first time in my life I have no idea what decision is the right decision to make. There are so many variables pulling on me, each side in equal measure and each time I settle on a decision it feels like the wrong one. I’m robbed of my usual peace and that in itself is both annoying and scary because I still have to make a decision. I’m sort of a unique individual in that I rarely walk on the typical path. In the past my faith has gotten me through this but now that I’m older I’m wondering if that same faith will still work or if I’m a fool for believing.
I think the real problem I have is that I’m too proud and overly concerned with the opinions of others. Where has my humility gone? With humility that faith that seems foolish to others becomes the greatest joy.
So today I was driving my dad’s car to a doctor appointment and the car was making the strangest noise. For the life of me I could not figure out what it was until it suddenly dawned on me like a light bulb in one of those old-fashioned cartoons “it’s the coke in my dad’s trunk moving around every time a make a turn!” (My dad keeps it on hand in case he gets tired on the long commute from Pittsburgh to Virginia that he makes most weekends). But I was sincerely glad that I was alone at that time because since I’ve watched my fair amount of cop shows where people get busted for having cocaine in the trunk I started giggling at how my realization would have sounded (out of its proper context) if there had been another person in the car. I probably looked pretty silly to anyone else on the road, but even if a cop had pulled me over and found the coke in my trunk that explained my irrational behavior, at least I could promise honestly that none of it was mine.
So remember how in the early 2000s whenever someone would ask you “what’s up?” you were basically obligated to answer “nothin’ much.” Well, there is actually much going on. So much in fact that I haven’t caught up with my thoughts and emotions satisfactorily enough to blog about them (I wasn’t sure whether satisfactorily was a word until my Grammarly app approved it- sweet app if you like writing but tend towards bad grammar like me). But I can tell you a few things for right now.
Since I unapologetically admit to being the creative type all the time I’ve taken myself off the Monday, Tuesday, Thursday writing schedule. Unfortunately, I just don’t seem to get inspired on schedule- it tends to come in waves. So I’ve decided I’ll try to write at least three times a week, and it will probably sometimes be more than that and sometimes less. Because the truth is the deadlines are just an added stress that will turn this thing to crap because instead of putting meaningful content, I’ll just put content to stick to my schedule, and that will suck for everyone. (By the way I write you’d think I’d have a large dedicated readership that’s actually super affected by this news! But I care about the small loyal few! When I find a writer I like I basically stalk their website for new posts so the consistency idea started with that in mind- thought I could spare you all some stalking. You’re welcome.) But the important thing to remember is that I’m not going to abandon this thing anytime soon. I actually really like it a lot. It’s just a place to share my contemplations- or my musings I guess I should say. And it’s been really cool to see people connect with that. So again thank you, thanks for hanging in there as I’m learning how to do this. And especially for hanging on through this post because blog updates are kind of dull. Prepare yourself for posts that get back to the beginning of things, back to the heart of what this was for: a forum for the deep and the mundane to be mixed together as I ponder the meaning of life in general (but you know, in a fun, lightly sarcastic but generally loving way).
As a nice throwback, I submitted the post “Dad Jokes” for publication and it got published! Hooray! It’s definitely one of my favorites. If you didn’t catch it here’s the link:
Have a great weekend! And I hope you come back for more stories…