On a Hard Day

Lately I feel like I lose my spirituality the moment I walk in the door at work. I go to daily mass and love the silence, intimacy and contemplation that comes with receiving the Eucharist and then praying the rosary. I wish I could hold on to that peace all day but when I walked into work this morning I was bombarded with a passive aggressive note from the boss, a phone ringing off the hook, difficult personalities barging in to start their day, and I wanted my silence back. I was even resentful that I didn’t get it. I worked really hard in one area only to be reprimanded for not working in another. And my pride doesn’t bounce back from that sort of thing the way I wish it would. It lingers in the frustration. And I’m left blogging at the end of the day wondering how I find Jesus in these moments that are stressful. In these moments that fly by so fast. In these moments where I am impatient with everything and everyone who doesn’t see things my way. In these moments where I am so unlike Jesus who is still within me, still communing with me.

I’m hoping that His love will make all the difference. I’m hoping I’ll learn how to find Him even in the midst of an ordinary life with its ordinary stresses. I’m hoping that His love will be worth it not just in the end but here in my neediness while I’m begging for it in the middle.

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Angels Watching Over Me

I am guilty of not thinking of heaven enough or all the ways in which heaven touches earth.

I think I haven’t truly grasped what it means to belong. To belong to God to be truly His own. To have an inheritance in heaven. To have angel armies that surround me and protect me from the forces of evil. With this in mind I want to be braver. To worry less about the future. To worry less about who I am and what I’ll do. To worry less about this temporary world and remember how loved I am by all of heaven.

The Indecision

So lately for the first time in my life I have no idea what decision is the right decision to make. There are so many variables pulling on me, each side in equal measure and each time I settle on a decision it feels like the wrong one. I’m robbed of my usual peace and that in itself is both annoying and scary because I still have to make a decision. I’m sort of a unique individual in that I rarely walk on the typical path. In the past my faith has gotten me through this but now that I’m older I’m wondering if that same faith will still work or if I’m a fool for believing.

I think the real problem I have is that I’m too proud and overly concerned with the opinions of others. Where has my humility gone? With humility that faith that seems foolish to others becomes the greatest joy.