I’ve been reading older posts on my old blog lately and it makes me smile as I remember all the beautiful work God did in my soul even in the midst of my suffering and anxiety at the time I actually went through it. I think I sometimes get trapped in the known. I like looking back and knowing how it all worked out and seeing how God’s hand was working in everything. It’s harder actually going through it because I have to have the discipline to live in the present moment and actually trust God to provide for all my daily needs.
Today in Oakland there was a little girl and her father eating ice cream near my table and she decided that she wanted to feed the birds ice cream going so far as to chase them with a spoonful. Her father had to explain to her that they would only come if she remained still. What a lesson in life that remains for me.
I live near Pittsburgh a city known for potholes, food, artistic bridges, and lots and lots of rivers. Right now I’m temping downtown and have the luxury of walking along one of these beautiful rivers during my breaks. It’s absolutely gorgeous but I noticed something funny. When I’m worrying about something or trying to figure something out I look down towards the sidewalk and focus only on the path. I found that I actually had to remind myself to look at the river, to take in the beautiful view of the city, to watch the geese and their babies waddle across the way.
I found myself wishing it wasn’t so easy to have that tunnel vision, eyes on the path and not on God or the wider world He made me a part of. It even made me a little sad as I realized how much beauty, how much life from animals to my fellow walkers that I had been missing out on by being so focused on myself. It’s easy to do that in times of uncertainty, times of sorrow and I think if I were to share with you some of my struggles you might forgive me but I couldn’t justify it to myself today when I remembered my call as a Christian, a call to love, a call to trust but most especially a call to let God love me as He desires to even when tomorrow is uncertain, even when I deserve it the least because it’s during those times that He gives me the most even when I don’t see it, feel it or understand it. And I found myself promising to be more patient with God, to try and surrender enough to truly let Him finish this beautiful work He began in me and above all trusting that everything will be alright because one day I’ll see the face of God in Heaven.