So today is gearing up to be a very interesting day.
I’ve been having some very stressful few weeks at work since this is our busiest time of year and today on our busiest day this week I forgot my cell phone at home. Unlike most jobs, I’m required to use my cell phone a ton at work. So initially I thought this was the worst thing that could possibly happen, but actually it’s sort of the best.
Instead of having my phone constantly ringing and blowing up with texts I’ve been using my office phone. The sense of urgency is gone because I’m actually taking one thing at a time instead of 4 at once in a seemingly never-ending sequence of group messages. I’m not aware of the play by play of what’s going on in other places, only where I am. I’m not absorbing other people’s stress or being bothered by things are beyond my control, as is tempting to do when there are a million things happening at once.
I really like the slower pace. I know society makes the idea of being constantly connected alluring, but I’m not missing it today. Maybe ignorance is bliss after all…
I have a chronic condition, one that will remain with me the rest of my days. It’s treatable but occasionally the suffering is difficult because it is not the type that renders my life unlivable or warrants a rest, rather it is the kind that sometimes exhausts me interiorly and I get impatient.
There was a time pre-diagnosis where the suffering was constant and I was in fighting shape. I read the Bible a ton and I refused to quit, trusting not in what I could see but what I could not yet see. I sought to have an attitude of general surrender and live in the present moment which yielded much fruit (including this blog!).
But as I was diagnosed and began a regimen of medication things returned to normal. I got used to a very ordinary existence with a full-time job and plenty of friends and family commitments to keep me busy. Ironically, I find it harder in a way to keep up that same faith amid the routine of everyday living. It’s so easy to lose sight of one’s eternal destiny, the promise of a heavenly home, as one handles the many things that demand one’s attention.
Overall, I lead a very comfortable life and this comfort is actually part of the problem. Not to say that comfort is bad, simply that the more comfort I experience the more attached I become to it. I say this because I’ve noticed that now when I experience bouts of my illness instead of being willing to fight like a warrior for the end goal I want to whine about what it takes away from me and how it gets in the way of what I want to do.
Whenever I experience the struggle instead of being molded by it to grow and become the type of woman I want to be I get impatient for the struggle to be over and for things to return to my version of normal. I was listening to an ever so brief podcast by Fr. Mike Schmitz this morning who had a really good podcast on waiting on God’s timing that really gets to the heart of the matter. The idea he shared was that the only way God speaks to us is not in the future, not when we reach the goal, but now as we are striving. And the key to striving for anything successfully is the one thing it’s harder to do when suffering: be willing to wait.
So who knows, maybe one day by a serious amount of grace I’ll be a patient person…