So today I was feeling insecure. While I confess I usually strike others as confident and cheerful, from time to time that tiny place deep within my soul feels like a much younger version of myself: shy, tenderhearted, and wanting to be loved.
But as an adult, it’s interesting to have a moment where I feel like that kid again. Because even though I know God loves me and I’m blessed with a lot of dear friends and family who love me (which I know not everyone is as fortunate to have) sometimes I have those days where I wonder: really, though?
Days where I’m completely clumsy, or short tempered or just weird. That’s why it especially comes out in my relationship with God because He sees everything from each of those behind the scenes moments when I’m otherwise alone to the whole interior person, the thoughts, feelings, and experiences I inherited first as a kid and might just make me who I am, for better or worse.
But in order to continue to be not just who I am, but who I am in Christ, I have to work not on answering my question of, “really, though?” but in trusting the affirmative answer I faithfully receive to that question. While it is my nature to approach things from a fairly logical perspective God’s way of thinking isn’t my way of thinking. If it was He might have my same inclination to love things when they are lovable instead of loving them simply because they are. I know in spite of myself that the nature of true love is that it doesn’t calculate. It doesn’t measure things like worthiness or an expectation of return before offering itself. And I have to halt my own logic if I am ever to do the one thing I want to accomplish in my life: to trust my conviction that the most definitive characteristic of God is His love and mercy which is so vast it extends even to ordinary, insignificant people like me. Because clinging to this truth is the only way I’ll ever learn to love not just myself but other people too.
Life is just so loud at times it’s hard to slow down and quiet myself enough to hear that still small voice.