So lately I’m being tempted to judge left and right and it’s really frustrating to have my normally happy internal realm bombarded by temptation. The hallmark of such an internal battle is that I get frustrated and cranky (I know you’re terribly surprised never having heard that from me before…) and before you know it I’m the one acting precisely as I detest. Christianity is hard. I sincerely believe it’s worth it because I don’t want to be the person I described being in the previous paragraph but the more justified I feel in my frustration (which is pride, I admit) the harder it is for me to let things go.
Recently, I’ve been encountering a lot of difficult people. People who are quick to point out flaws in others rather than love. People who actively seek opportunities to hate and cause pain, whether intentionally or unintentionally I’m honestly not sure. People who offer advice that strikes me as hypocritical. It’s been a lot to process, but what upsets me most of all is that it tempts me to hate, truly and openly, and I find that every shade of unacceptable.
However, the truth is I think the hardest thing about life sometimes is that even when you have a good one there are days where it gets wearisome. And when I’m weary it makes me vulnerable to attitudes and emotions I would normally have the strength and energy to combat. Then, once these emotions get a stronghold my sensitive little personality gets distracted by them, wanting to analyze them in order to get rid of them and return to my happy equilibrium. Yet the worst of it is sometimes I think I forget to separate out the person I am with the person I feel I am in a given moment. For example, when I feel happy and nice I think I’m happy and nice, when I feel all full of hate I think I’m a jerk.
I’m getting better about catching myself doing that. Taking time to refocus my perspective to include the reminder that no suffering lasts forever and remembering that the only way I’ve ever mastered my emotions is by being patient with myself.
And in that spirit I appreciate your patience with this blog post because this particular reflection probably did more for the author than the reader.