So today I was nostalgic for the time when only about two people read my blog because then I could be as random as my random heart desired. It was probably closer to a journal than a blog with all my random reflections on whatever I was experiencing. Now it feels closer to something like publishing, which is kind of cool in its own way, almost as if I’ve graduated. And I appreciate the readership, it’s probably for the best that more than two people read it now.
I think it’s mostly a time of life thing. When I started this blog I was unemployed and, as bleak as my life would sound if I only read you the outwardly details (the kind the world judges you by), I was fresh off the littler way and happy as a clam with my new faith. There’s something sort of magical about beginnings. In not knowing how things are going to turn out but being extremely hopeful.
While I am employed now and things truly did work out for the best, it’s been hard being in the middle of another larger pursuit that may not be worked out as quickly or smoothly, and the process of reconciling that to my impatient desire to have what I am pursuing right now is difficult. The winter months after Christmas are always a hard time of year for me in general. I feel like I’m just trudging through until spring. And while I am still hopeful for the future it can be hard to keep that hope alive in the interim as I face obstacle after obstacle. Because instead of being patient I start to feel something like bitterness or resentment and my optimism starts to dwindle. Like how some excellent revisions to a piece I was working on did not save and seriously pushed the finish date back. I used to have a lovely support system of friends in Virginia when junk like this happened and I miss them terribly too, so it just throws salt on the wound.
It’s things like these that are discouraging and I start to hit that weird place where instead of having a goal and being confident in it I feel adrift and question everything, even things I was certain I wanted. In truth, I probably just need a good nap, a good coffee, and some time to get back in touch with why I began this pursuit in the first place. It can just be tough to find my equilibrium in stormy internal battles like this one where I’m tempted to just drop the goal and be happy (and by “happy” I only mean to possess that false peace of simply not having to deal with all the obstacles and setbacks that pursuing a goal brings).
Yet in my heart I know that what it boils down to is that I really need to live in the present moment instead of living in my varying projections of a future that is as yet unwritten. Someday those tomorrows will be now but for right now, now is now. The present moment is all I’ve got. And at this present time there’s a lot to be thankful for if I would only remind myself to take a step back from my own affairs and devote some time to remembering the good, to focus on all those little things that seem ordinary at first glance but later turn out to be the moments that make being alive worthwhile.