So when I first moved to Pittsburgh I wasn’t sure what to do with the excessive amount of people who honk their horn while driving. At first I thought perhaps I was looking particularly attractive that day (being an optimist and all) but now my operating theory is that there is just so much traffic that people are just really impatient drivers (and REALLY impatient with bad drivers-which is basically everyone).
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (probably, knowing myself as well as I do) but there are just so many changes to adjust to when changing cities, jobs, and career fields all at the same time. So many new dynamics. Even though I’m enjoying it so far I regret that it’s taking up so much of my mental space. Perhaps this is somewhat inevitable, at the very least it’s extremely human to be preoccupied with one’s own affairs. Yet I’m sort of bummed by the unexpected curveballs these changes throw at my spiritual life.
To clarify what I mean, what inspired this blog in the first place was what I like to think of as a radical overhaul my old spirituality (entirely centered on me and what I could do) for an entirely new one based solely on what God can do, and what He does, in the name of His divine love. At the risk of restating the obvious, the second one is much better. Because it’s limitless, eternal, and significantly more interesting than I am. So this blog was a place to chronicle the things I’ve been contemplating and, as you can tell if you go back far enough, things have taken a turn for the temporal. That’s not in itself a bad thing. Some of the temporal things on my mind are even kind of important. But they will never be the most important thing in my life, whether I acknowledge that truth or not; and therein lies the challenge.
I really do believe that God will slowly reveal Himself to you in prayer, if you persist in asking Him. And I do. And He does. And it’s the most precious, sacred thing. It’s hard to describe. God can’t give me anything that’s better than Himself. And I try to go about my day remembering whatever conversation it was that we entered into that morning, any scripture that happens to speak to me, any encounter that sticks out, any movements of the heart. Because real prayer to me really is a conversation with God, and it includes everything- even the little things that seem ordinary or insignificant to most people. And if I ever want any kind of lasting joy (screw happiness I think happiness is superficial- I’ll take joy any day of the week) I have to give it my best to keep in touch. Like any significant relationship communication is really the crux.
And sometimes when I get really busy I get distracted. Walking around with a head full of things that are not God. The conversation loses its momentum. It becomes easier to justify spending time on other things or to cut corners in prayer. But while the struggle is ongoing I believe what is written in the Bible that says “eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him.” (Paul wrote it somewhere) And I think I really do love God because if I didn’t I would simply have given up. That’s what the old spirituality I described would have done. But the more I’ve learned to love the more I realize how utterly impossible that would be. And that is a miracle in itself.