Lately I feel like I lose my spirituality the moment I walk in the door at work. I go to daily mass and love the silence, intimacy and contemplation that comes with receiving the Eucharist… More
I’m a fairly intense person I think in terms of desire and I notice that with that comes a profound lack of patience where I want everything now. These past few months I’ve been struggling with my health and now that I’m feeling better I’m almost traumatized by how much I’ve been through and wondering how I did it. And from that line of thought I realized I didn’t, God did. He did it while I was in darkness interiorly trying to cling to God with all my heart but not feeling a thing. And I think God knows it’s better for me to have the slow burn of self denial rather than a gratified ego where everything went according to my plan. But I think the scariest thing about getting older is that I don’t know God’s plan I simply have to follow it like a child one moment at a time.
I am so grateful that Christianity is a religion for the weak. Sometimes I find I want God to take away the struggle so that I can shine for Him, so that I can be happy and energetic and feel like doing good things for others. That’s just my pride I know. But I find that what really attaches me to God is learning how to be with Him in the middle of a miracle. I prefer to be on the other side of a miracle looking back on the marvels God has done for me and testifying about that to others. But it’s here in the middle of the miracle in the midst of a slow deliverance that I am finding God’s faithful love, His merciful love. The kind of love that only God has- the kind that truly loves misery and weakness and struggle and imperfections and everything that repulses the world. The gentle, patient God who invites me to trust through the pain, persevere in faith and to remember that life has its seasons of joys and sorrows but that God is always God.
I’ve been reading older posts on my old blog lately and it makes me smile as I remember all the beautiful work God did in my soul even in the midst of my suffering and anxiety at the time I actually went through it. I think I sometimes get trapped in the known. I like looking back and knowing how it all worked out and seeing how God’s hand was working in everything. It’s harder actually going through it because I have to have the discipline to live in the present moment and actually trust God to provide for all my daily needs.